blind joke

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

BLIND JOKES

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Interview with a ghost

I knew I had been running for almost an hour through the dense overgrown forest. I couldn't tell if the moon was out for the thick tree branches and the huge canopy of leaves shielded the forest grounds from light. Gasping, I stopped as I felt my knees go weak and slowly, I looked over my shoulder. Just as I had thought, the ghost was not too far behind…and that's when I realized that there was no point in running anymore. It could and would kill me anyway.
'Don't you ever give up?' I shouted out, too exhausted to be scared anymore. The white smoky form of a human stopped running and stood staring at me, just a few feet away. I didn't miss the startled look on his face, which he quickly recovered from. Strangely, the ghost looked almost human…he was wearing old-fashioned corduroy pants and a white shirt with black stripes. The next thing that I noticed were his eyes, they were eerily beautiful and looked a bit too symmetrical.

'You're not scared?'

'Not anymore…I don't really have any energy left! Um…do you want me to be scared?!'

Fifteen minutes later, I was dead. No not really, just kidding…because if I had been, who would've written this silly article (maybe it's my ghost writing this eh?) ? So yeah, where was I? After I gathered the courage to actually speak with the ghost, I realized he wasn't that bad a person, I mean ghost. With my reporter's instincts set in action, I took out a piece of paper and a pen from my pocket and asked the ghost if he was willing to give an exclusive interview for our paper.

samia_april: Ok ghost, I hate calling you that, so would you please tell us what your real name is?

Ghost: My name is Chucky…

samia_april: You're Chucky from the Child's Play? Wow man, you've grown up! But weren't you a toy?

Chucky: I don't understand why everyone does that to me! I'm not that Chucky. That Chucky was a silly little object that is a disgrace to all ghosts and spooky dolls! Scaring children? How stupid is that? Next thing you know, they'll make movies with scary Barbie dolls!

samia_april: Oh...then who are you?

Chucky: Well, I used to be really popular long time back…the female ghosts would swoon all over me you know! Humans used to be so afraid of me that they wouldn't even enter this forest. These days…these days it's just too hard, everyone's too brave and too indifferent. It's like I'm invisible! Luckily I found a chicken like you today to freak out…

samia_april: That's all you wanted to do? Freak me out?

Chucky: Like duh! You think I'd ruin this nice white shirt I've got by spraying blood all over me? No way! What would the girls think? I don't have an extra shirt you know! I died wearing this, and I shall live as a ghost wearing this.

samia_april: Interesting…so how did you die?

Chucky: well, I don't have any fancy tragic story to tell you, like all those ghosts in the movie do. Me, I died because of a stupid accident. Oh by the way, if you haven't noticed, my accent is British. I was here when the British were terrorizing the people in this country.

samia_april: You died during the war?

Chucky: No! I died when I tried to ride a buffalo. Long story…some other day?

samia_april: Sure, sure. So what do you still do around here? Can't you go someplace more interesting?

Chucky: Are you kidding me? I might not be able to scare people anymore, but I'm still here for the girls. They just can't do without me you know. Every week, we get new people coming to visit from all over the country. I love dating different ghosts. Speaking of which..what time is it?

samia_april: its umm...almost 8. Why?

Chucky: Eight! I'm late for my candlelight dinner date!! Hey, I gotta go now, but here…take my cell phone number. Do keep in touch, and it was really nice talking to ya. Take care, cya

samia_april: Uhh..ok…I'll call you next week. Hey wait! Show me they way out will ya?

Chucky: Sure! Just follow me.

Actual college exam answers

Engineers are cooking

Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Laboratory

Question:
Upon entering a laboratory, you see an experiment. How do you know which
class it belongs to?
Answer:
If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

Great experiment

Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist decides to do an experiment to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light, to the 3rd floor of a building and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist writes in his book: “A thermometer falls with the speed of light.”

Public school teacher

At New York’s Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed”, the Attorney General said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like “x” and “y”, and, although they are frequently referred to as “unknowns”, we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

“As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle.” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Psychology class

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

University

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?” The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. “Yale,” she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

New dean

Listening to the commencement address by the new dean, Professor Papp turned to a woman sitting beside him.

“Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean?”

Stiffening, the woman said, “I beg your pardon, but do you know who I am?”

Turning to study her, the professor replied, “Can’t say I do.”

“I’ll have you know that I am that ugly man’s wife!”

Drawing himself erect, the professor shot back, “And do you know who I am?”

“I haven’t had the pleasure,” she said icily.

“Good,” he replied, “then my job’s still safe.”

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your  tongue.



2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try  it.



3. And discover that the first truth is a  lie.



4. You're smiling now because you're an  idiot.



5. You soon will forward this to another  idiot.



6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


I apologize about this.... I'm an idiot and I needed company.


HAVE A NICE DAY!

Men will try everything

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end!

Why the US is in crisis

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Fairy tale jokes!!!!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.


The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.


The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table & asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third piggy says,
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sms jokes

Mobile Marriage Bureau

Moblie Marriage Bureau:
Rishtey k liye 1 dabaye,
Mangni k liye 2 dabye,
Shadi k liye 3 dabye,
Dusri shadi k liye Pehle wale ka gala dabye..!

Boy & Girl Playing Ludo

Boy & girl Playing Ludo
Boy: Agar 1 se 5 me aya to I Kiss u
Grl: Wht? Acha or 6 Aya To
Boy: Kabi Ludo Nhi Kheli Kya 6 Aya To dubara meri bari

What is d difference between Monkey & Donkey

What is d difference between Monkey & Donkey?
Monkey will save dis message
& Donkey will delete dis message. Choice is urs…

U R 100% beautiful

U R 100% beautiful,
U R 100% lovely,
U R 100% sweet,
U R 100% nice, and
U R 100% stupid to believe these words…

Girls have a bigger

Why do 90%
of the girls have a bigger left breast ?

because….

90% of the
boys are
right handed..

Do you like mathematics

Do you like mathematics?
If so, add a bed, subtract your clothes,
divide your legs and we can multiply!

If u want the latest MERCEDEZ BENZ

If u want the latest MERCEDEZ BENZ on very easy installment
of ten years with out downpayment and interest then log on to
WWW.APNI_AUQAT_MAIN_RAHO.COM

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She took one look at me, threw the bike to the ground and said to me,
'Take what you want' , so I did."
The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice; girl friend wouldn't do any good to you."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR -........
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer
said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look,
I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking
frog, now that's cool."

English languange!!!!

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

He he heh

Before Marriage - - -(must read)

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!


After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top

joke of the day

Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"Why did you park your car here?"
"The sign says: 'Fine for parking!'"

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"My father was a Pole."
"North or South?"

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Get out of here! This isn't your house."
"That's okay. I'm not myself tonight."

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed! my mind."
Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before Eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing,
one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately I'll have a scotch and soda."

'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What happened then?'
'We met.'

Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it
get to Brighton in two days' time?'
Post Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to London.

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field.
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.